Officials are baffled who this person could be. He has been labeled as 'legged and useless', but please heed all caution. He is apparently unstable and thinks he's worth more than he actually is. He has yet to be charged with any crime, but considered a dangerous individual except in front of goal. If you see him, please alert local officials, but if you feel threatened, it is advised to produce a net of some sort which appears to 'freeze' him.
England officials are not confident of a conspiracy, but Rickie Lambert has been taken into questioning. Once again, this individual has apparently learned to use all his assets, including his teeth from a certain former LFC player, and should be considered 'mouthed and dangerous'. Take extra precaution if he appears with a female who is clearly out of his league. Thank you for your cooperation.
