'Special' accommodations & menu items of Giggsy and Gazzo's Hotel Football uncovered

Man United fans are in for a real treat this December when Hotel Football opens next to Old Trafford.  The 138-bed, 10-story hotel will be the first of hopefully many for Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville's business, GG Hospitality.  The two former Red Devils have traveled the world extensively and stayed in many a hotel, especially Giggs who has lived in one recently.  According to their website, their experiences have given them 'an innate understanding of what works and what doesn't' in the hospitality trade.

The press blitz for the new venture started awhile back, but what you will never find in an advert, brochure, or even press packet are the 'secret' special accommodations and menu items only available for those 'in the know'.  I came across these revelations when I infiltrated 3 past 3, the secret society for former Manchester United players.  Posing as Paul Parker, I attended a 'meeting' where I had in-depth conversations about the new venue with Nicky Butt and Paul Scholes.  They let me in on some interesting features that won't be available to the general public at the hotel.

What I found most endearing was the apparent man-love former players have for Johnny Evans.  There will be a secret suite named in his honor where, as it was put to me, 'you can get away with anything'.  I have no idea what they were implying there. There will also be a special drink named for him called the 'GoHnny Bevans' (pronounced 'Johnny Bevans'), an interesting spelling nonetheless, but it's apparently a knock-out with the ladies and really gets them in the mood.

The penthouse suite will be covertly named 'the house Dwight Yorke built'.  It will be the only personally-staffed suite with a minimally-dressed 'servant' (woman or man, your choice) and a bartender (again gender choice, shirt-optional).  Along with it's own 8-seat bar, this suite will also feature a jacuzzi and a 'secret' bathroom called the 'Rooney' room which will feature 'all the latest technologies for your pleasure'.  A personally written note from the United striker is given to each guest.

For those who can afford it, a massage therapist will be available 24 hours a day, either by room visit or in the Tommy Docherty office located in the basement.  There will also be an extensive security system with hundreds of cameras strategically placed through out the facility.  The room housing the nearly sixty monitors for those cameras is named after former club chairman Martin Edwards, a man who is known for his remarkable peeping abilities.  A concierge who is knowledgeable of all the local entertainment including a non-age discriminate 'companionship' service recommended by Wayne Rooney, will also be available and on call at all hours.

Special secret menu items at the Cafe Football include a pie called the Zaha, 'so good it'll be like shagging your manager's daughter', and the Anderson, a prawn delicacy that'll disappear so fast 'you'll never realize how much it cost.'  Special drinks include 'the Ferguson' which will, according to David Moyes, 'turn your nose red and leave you a mess to deal with', as well as the 'Van Gaal' which apparently makes you regret things you do and say almost immediately.

Now that I'm in the know, I can't wait to stay there.  Hopefully I'll get a room close to Giggsy.

Today's Banter: Snake oil salesmen, drowning fish, or spin doctors?

Being American, Tom Hicks and George Gillett have received the best education in the world when it comes to advantageous utilization of media and the English press are always more than happy to oblige. The latest issues that appear to have their press relations firm(s) working overtime are the revising of the stadium plans due to rising costs and how that could affect the amount of money available in the upcoming January transfer window. At least the rift with Rafa has been laid to rest.

As I have mentioned prior, the very basis of the aforementioned 'tiff' was money. Does that mean now that since plans for the stadium have been 'scaled-back', there will be funds available in January? Some media are reporting that the board will be unwilling to approve neither a transaction to buy nor sell by Rafa, while others are declaring that he will have to sell first. Rick Parry says this is all rubbish and when the king puppet speaks, all the children should listen closely.

Personally, I don't know nor do I care. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to see certain players sent on their merry way while a few diamonds in the rough are plucked and polished, but I could do without all the extracurricular melodrama. It may serve more of a purpose than just to confuse and frustrate the average supporter though. Machiavellian measures are always useful in denying the opposition information that may give them an edge. Think Ryan Giggs.

When the new owners took over they promised us the world and have delivered shit-all. Torres, Babel, Benayoun, Lucas, and Itandje have come at the price of Luis Garcia, Craig Bellamy, Mark Gonzalez, Djibril Cissé, and roughly £20m, or about what we've come to expect to spend in summer's past. It appears as if the improvement of our squad has had more to do with Rafa's cunning then lack of vowed 'big money' funds.

Honestly, I have no problem with supporting a 'small' club. It makes me appear a whole lot more intelligent and means all the more when cups are won. The problem is, I don't like to be taken for a ride, but in this day and age, that's just appears how business is done. I could definitely do without the coloring book antics of the official site and teenagers in Ireland manipulating headlines to lure clickers though.

Bernd Schuster already worried about drawing Liverpool in CL play

I didn't really expect anyone to be paying us any attention in the Champions League at least until after the Group Stage, but apparently we're causing Real Madrid's Bernd Schuster a little anxiety, which is surprising seeing how well his squad has started this season. In this article, the former German International has this to say about our side:

"Liverpool is not so attractive in it's game; it is an ugly team to play, hard and difficult. It is not necessary to remind people how tough they made it for Barcelona last season."

Though most newspapers are trying to play this up as Schuster talking a little smack, it looks as if they're just trying to sell papers. I think all he's saying is that we are great defensively and unpredictable on attack as much can be lost or added in translation.

The thing that baffles me is how he says that Man U has the best attack and Chelsea have the best defense. Has he watched either of these sides play this season? I have no doubts that a fully fit Man U squad with Rooney, Giggs, Ronaldo, and Scholes firing on all cylinders are certainly a formidable attack, but Rooney's injured, Giggs and Scholes look a year older, and I guess we'll have to wait and see what post-suspension Ronaldo looks like. Nani and Tevez have been competent, but also look like two new players struggling to build chemistry with their new teammates.

As for Chelsea's defense, they are certainly capable of being an impenetrable fortress, but allowing two goals against Birmingham at Stamford Bridge and the two goals they allowed against Aston Villa this past weekend make them far from impressive nor in top form. I honestly think they should have never gotten rid of Diarra, but apparently that was unavoidable, and Alex has been far less impressive than he was at PSV last year.

Ultimately, if we can stay fit and maintain our current form, then sure, Schuster does have something to worry about, but to come out now and voice his concerns just doesn't make much sense.

Fergie loves the 'Pool

In an odd turn of the screw, Manchester United boss and overall managing legend, none other than Sir Alex Ferguson, has praised Liverpool Football Club as the greatest club in the history of the world, ever. And if you believe that, I've got some beautifully refurbished country meadows in New Jersey I'd like to sell you.

No, I think about right now Rafa Benitez and LFC are more likely on Sir Alex's shit list than on his Christmas Card list. His latest comments about the Anfield club includes calling them 'opportunists' in regards to the Heinze controversy and then to add a few logs to the fire he says that he just grew tired of pursuing Torres and pretty much just let us have him. Thanks, Sénor Alec, your generosity is unrivaled.

I won't even address the latter comment since it's obviously just the case of one heartbroken girl veiling her wound after being rejecting by a boy for a girl she deems inferior. As for the 'opportunists' label, if that's not a case of the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is. This coming from a man who basically stole Giggs from Man City. At least Fergie admits he'd do the same if the tables were turned and he had the opportunity to sign Steven Gerrard in a similar manner.

Still, it's not like Man U has ever given a rat's ass about anyone else in their pursuit to better themselves. It's pure rubbish for Ferguson to even try to imply that he and his suitors have an ounce of concern for the clubs he plucks his players from. At least Liverpool make an effort to help out smaller clubs like Wrexham, Crewe Alexander, and MTK Hungária FC because they realize their importance in the overall scope of football.

And what's this crap about 'like the rest of them'. Is Sir Alex shitting gold these days? It's not like Man U has much of a history before 1993, before Cantona, before Roy Keane. You're not the cream of the football crop, you're the shit that won't flush.