'Special' accommodations & menu items of Giggsy and Gazzo's Hotel Football uncovered

Man United fans are in for a real treat this December when Hotel Football opens next to Old Trafford.  The 138-bed, 10-story hotel will be the first of hopefully many for Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville's business, GG Hospitality.  The two former Red Devils have traveled the world extensively and stayed in many a hotel, especially Giggs who has lived in one recently.  According to their website, their experiences have given them 'an innate understanding of what works and what doesn't' in the hospitality trade.

The press blitz for the new venture started awhile back, but what you will never find in an advert, brochure, or even press packet are the 'secret' special accommodations and menu items only available for those 'in the know'.  I came across these revelations when I infiltrated 3 past 3, the secret society for former Manchester United players.  Posing as Paul Parker, I attended a 'meeting' where I had in-depth conversations about the new venue with Nicky Butt and Paul Scholes.  They let me in on some interesting features that won't be available to the general public at the hotel.

What I found most endearing was the apparent man-love former players have for Johnny Evans.  There will be a secret suite named in his honor where, as it was put to me, 'you can get away with anything'.  I have no idea what they were implying there. There will also be a special drink named for him called the 'GoHnny Bevans' (pronounced 'Johnny Bevans'), an interesting spelling nonetheless, but it's apparently a knock-out with the ladies and really gets them in the mood.

The penthouse suite will be covertly named 'the house Dwight Yorke built'.  It will be the only personally-staffed suite with a minimally-dressed 'servant' (woman or man, your choice) and a bartender (again gender choice, shirt-optional).  Along with it's own 8-seat bar, this suite will also feature a jacuzzi and a 'secret' bathroom called the 'Rooney' room which will feature 'all the latest technologies for your pleasure'.  A personally written note from the United striker is given to each guest.

For those who can afford it, a massage therapist will be available 24 hours a day, either by room visit or in the Tommy Docherty office located in the basement.  There will also be an extensive security system with hundreds of cameras strategically placed through out the facility.  The room housing the nearly sixty monitors for those cameras is named after former club chairman Martin Edwards, a man who is known for his remarkable peeping abilities.  A concierge who is knowledgeable of all the local entertainment including a non-age discriminate 'companionship' service recommended by Wayne Rooney, will also be available and on call at all hours.

Special secret menu items at the Cafe Football include a pie called the Zaha, 'so good it'll be like shagging your manager's daughter', and the Anderson, a prawn delicacy that'll disappear so fast 'you'll never realize how much it cost.'  Special drinks include 'the Ferguson' which will, according to David Moyes, 'turn your nose red and leave you a mess to deal with', as well as the 'Van Gaal' which apparently makes you regret things you do and say almost immediately.

Now that I'm in the know, I can't wait to stay there.  Hopefully I'll get a room close to Giggsy.

All tomorrow's winners: Man United, Man City, Chelsea, Newcastle, Swansea, & West Ham

Predictions for tomorrow:
Burnley vs Man United
Betting on Burnley is a sucker bet as United's attack is far better than portrayed and Burnley has the worst defence in the league.  This one could get ugly and expect Van Persie to open his account for the season. Burnley 1, Man United 3

Man City vs Stoke
Begovic & company are good enough on defence to hold this to late, but I don't think they will.  City will probably get a goal around the middle of the first half and then add another late.  The Potters just don't have the ability to break down the City defense at the Etihad without a major mistake from their hosts. Look for Dzeko to get his first goal of the season. Man City 2, Stoke 0

Newcastle vs Crystal Palace
Three points will not get any easier for the Magpies.  They boast a decent attack and a respectable defence plus playing at home against Palace, who are dreadful on attack, should give them a significant edge.  If Dwight Gayle plays a significant amount, Palace will get at least a goal from him, but not sure it's worth the risk.  Newcastle 3, Crystal Palace 1

QPR vs Sunderland
Joey Barton and Rio Ferdinand have played exceptionally for their less than exceptional side, but if Remy is not available, this match has draw written all over it.  Sunderland is superior both on attack and in defence, but the confidings of Loftus Road will give QPR a proper boost. QPR 2, Sunderland 2

Swansea vs West Brom
This match could end up being the most exciting of the day.  Swansea is just poor enough on defence to allow a mediocre WBA attack to keep it exciting, but ultimately the superior Swan attack should prevail.  Wilfried Bony is itching for a goal. Swansea 3, WBA 2

West Ham vs Southampton
Another candidate for match of the day, Southampton should have enough to make it interesting against a somewhat decent West Ham defence.  In the end though, the Hammers strength of Allardyce's 'air ball' are the Saints' weakness.  West Ham 2, Southampton 0

Everton vs Chelsea
Despite being at Goodison, I don't think the Toffees will be able to compete with Chelsea, but if they try, the London club could humiliate them.  This is just a bad match-up for the blue side of Merseyside, Chelsea play a similar yet superior style of attack and are far better on defence.  I'll go conservative here though and say Everton 0, Chelsea 2.

Dejan Lovren is the most efficient player in the EPL thus far

Individual Stats Leaders after Week One

Top ten most efficient in possession players:

S. Nasri	0.889
Y. Toure	0.868
T. Blackett	0.866
Andy King	0.852
M. Arteta	0.850
G. Barry	0.839
N. Bentaleb	0.828
V. Kompany	0.816
J. Olsson	0.813
G. Obertan	0.800

Leicester's Andy King is a surprising one here.  Gerrard came 11th with a ppe of 0.797.

Top ten most efficient defensive players:

Liam Moore	0.405
S. Dann	0.400
Curtis Davies	0.380
J. Chester	0.344
M. Jedinak	0.339
P. van Aanholt	0.339
B. Hangeland	0.333
Wes Morgan	0.319
P. Senderos	0.297
M. Kelly	0.295

Some solid players (Dann, Davies, Jedinak, & Hangeland) mixed in with some surprises who will probably play their way out of the this category.  Former LFC boy Kelly comes in tenth.

The ten most efficient overall:

D. Lovren	0.953
L. Koscielny	0.950
M. Arteta	0.925
P. Jagielka	0.922
M. Skrtel	0.919
V. Kompany	0.918
J. Chester	0.918
T. Blackett	0.918
J. Collins	0.911
W. Reid	0.911

I was shocked to see Lovren on top here.  Skrtel at fifth, not so much, with all the defensive numbers he racked up.

The top ten in effieciency over team average:

S. Dann	0.271
J. Chester	0.254
Ron Vlaar	0.253
R. Ferdinand	0.249
David Jones	0.238
J. Olsson	0.237
L. Cattermole	0.232
B. Hangeland	0.221
D. Lovren	0.208
J. Collins	0.207

This stat measures a players performance compared to his team's average, for instance, Scott Dann and Brede Hangeland's were the stars on a less than stellar Crystal Palace versus Arsenal.

- Joey Barton lead all players with 6 chances created.
- Mikel Arteta lead all players with 100 completed passes on 105 attempts (95.2%), Aaron Ramsey was the only other player to break the century mark in pass attempts with 106.
- Asmir Begovic was the only player to play a full match and complete all his pass attempts (23 for 23).
- West Ham's Cheikhou Kouyate lead all outfield players, who played 60 minutes or more, with a 96.9% pass completion rate.
- Mark Noble and Stewart Downing lead all players in successful crosses with 4 each, but Noble took just 6 attempts while Downing needed 10.
- Eden Hazard lead the league in take-ons with 9, Sterling and Cazorla tied for second with 5 apiece.
- Former Arsenal and current QPR left back, Armand Traore, was a very impressive 11 for 11 on aerial duels, making him tops in most won and best success percentage (100%).  Southampton's Graziano Pelle won the second most, going 10 for 23 while United's Chris Smalling and Erik Pieters of Stoke were 2nd in efficiency going 7 for 7 each.
- Jack Wilshere won the most fouls with 6.
- England and West Brom's Saido Berahino was the only player to score a penalty and/or a brace, but he also lead in times dispossessed at 7.  Raheem Sterling was runner-up with 6 times dispossessed and Daniel Sturridge tied with Aaron Ramsey at four times apiece.
- Adnan Januzaj lead all players with 6 direct turnovers, 2 more than any other player.
- Victor Wanyama and Mile Jedinak had the most successful tackles with 9 each.
- Sunderland's new left-back, Patrick van Aanholt is the league leader in interceptions with 8.
- Martin Skrtel's 19 clearances were enough to edge out Ryan Shawcross by one to lead all players.
- Marouane Chamakh committed 11 fouls, more than twice as many than any other player.

Mental Team Stats from Matchday One

Most efficient in possession

Man City	0.695
Arsenal	0.690
Man U	0.681
Everton	0.676
Chelsea	0.673
Liverpool	0.645

Keeping the ball away from City would be ideal.  And Jesus Navas didn't even play.

Defensive efficiency

C Palace	0.212
Sunderland	0.172
Hull City	0.150
Leicester	0.136
Swansea	0.130

Crystal Palace continues their dominating defensive form from last season, meanwhile City is 11th (0.102), Liverpool is 12th (0.100), and Man United are dead last (0.057).

Overall Efficiency

Man City	0.798
Arsenal	0.766
Chelsea	0.749
Everton	0.746
Liverpool	0.746

The most important of these three numbers taking into account all favorable actions of players (i.e. keeping possession and preventing the other side from scoring).  Arsenal is only ranked high here because of their passing, I expect them to fall rapidly as they play sides that focus more on possession-based defence instead of Palace's somewhat suicidal 'mighty fortress' stance.

Chance created value

Swansea	0.400
Crystal Palace	0.333
Chelsea	0.222
Liverpool	0.200
Everton	0.167

United is in a ton of trouble if they don't get some help on defence, Swansea has a decent attack but it's no where near the abilities of the top clubs.

Tidbits

- West Ham created the most chances of any side with 13, but failed to score.  They also connected on the most crosses with 11, while Tottenham was the only club that was unsuccessful on all their cross attempts, going 0 for 13.

- Arsenal completed the most passes with 640, 89 more than 2nd-most Chelsea, but they attempted the least amount of long balls in 34.

- QPR took the most shots (19) and tied for the most on goal (6) with Arsenal and Southampton, but failed to score.

- Liverpool lead all sides in take-ons with 15.

- Not surprising, even though Howard Webb retired, Man United 'won' the most fouls with 20.

- Only three clubs had multiple assists: Chelsea, Liverpool, and Swansea, all three sides won.

It's fitting that the Korean 'Gerrard' helps sink Man U

What a glorious way to kick off the Prem.  With goals from Ki Sung-yeung and Gylfi Sigurdsson, Swansea took all three points at Old Trafford, winning 2-1.  The South Korean is affectionately known as 'Gerrard' and 'Kirrard' by the Asian press, a well-deserved moniker after his performance today.  The best part about his goal though is how Wilifred Bony manhandled Phil Jones to make space for Sung-yeung's shot.  He tosses the dimwitted defender aside like a limp hot god.  It's a thing of beauty.

I wonder what Van Gaal must be thinking now?  Mangoloid U dominated possession, completed 87% of their passes, had three times as many shots, and won two-thirds of aerial battles.  There's not much more they could have done.  I actually feel a little sorry for the Dutchman, if he doesn't get at least one great player in, they are going to be in trouble.  Did Herrera even play today?  Never mind, I see he committed a couple of fouls.

There's a smile on David Moyes' mug right about now that not even a sledgehammer could crush.  Van Gaal took one match to break-in the record book, first time ever in the Prem that United have lost their opening match and the first ever league win for Swansea at Old Trafford.  There are 37 more to go though, and you'd have to lower your intelligence level to a Manc not realize United will improve.

Paul Scholes: clandestine Liverpool fan

The Ginger Prince appears obsessed with the Reds these days, sounding off on our players whenever he can.  I would say he's a wind-up muppet, but he's not, most of the time he actually talks sense.

He most recently chimed in on the Luis Suarez transfer saga, questioning whether 'El Conejo Loco' and Messi will be able to play together. “If Luis Suarez does sign for Barcelona from Liverpool, will Lionel Messi ‘accept’ him? Suarez is a centre forward and he won’t want to play out wide. I can’t see Suarez and Messi linking well together,” Scholes wrote on his Paddy Power blog.

He's not afraid to criticize his former club either.  On the Shaw transfer, he wrote, 'For a left-back to be worth £34m shows how silly the game has gone. For that money I want a centre-forward who’s going to score 30 goals a season.'  Preaching to the choir, my frienemy.

Before the World Cup, he praised 'the Liverpool way' of playing football and challenged the English to emulate it in Brazil.  On the subject he wrote, 'It would be refreshing for England to adopt Liverpool’s attacking mentality in Brazil. Really go for it. That means certainly four, and possibly five, Liverpool players in the England starting XI against Italy on June 14' and 'I’d love to see Roy be brave enough to play like Liverpool (or Man United teams of the past).'  Glad to see he realizes the glory years of his former club are in the past.

When it comes to Gerrard, he's had nothing but love, stating in the same post, 'Gerrard (a good leader who will have quickly moved on from that slip) has adjusted his game superbly, very much like I did' and 'That’s the big difference between Steven (Gerrard) and Lampard, for example. I’m not sure Lampard has the ability to control a game. He’s always someone who’s up trying to score goals.'  You know now he's expecting a nice Christmas present for the Gerrard household.

The best part is he gets a joke in here and there, for instance, 'Defensively Liverpool were poor – conceding 50 goals – but they can be contenders again next year IF they can get two world-class centre halves and a left-back. I’m talking about players of the standard of Jaap Stam and Rio Ferdinand.' Rio Ferdinand, world class!?!? Oh the wit.

It's too bad Scholesy wasted his career on the dark side.  He should have went to Italy or Spain, where he's actually more appreciated and wouldn't have played in the shadows of bigger personalities.  No matter what, I've never desired him to play for Liverpool and he has never been better than Gerrard.

Southampton must be laughing all the way to the bank

What a terrible bit of business.  Buying Lallana for a reported £27m may end up being worse than United buying Herrera for £32m.  He wasn't even the most efficient attacking midfielder at Southampton last season and furthermore he didn't separate himself enough from his teammates to justify his price tag.

	Lallana	Rodriguez	Davis	Ward-Prose	Ramirez
age	26	24	29	19	23
app (sub)	37(1)	30(3)	28(6)	16(18)	3(15)
mins	3082	2561	2492	1616	526
goals	9	15	2	0	1
assists	6	3	7	2	3
chances	68	20	57	39	14
npg90	0.26	0.53	0.07	0	0.17
gcp90	0.44	0.63	0.32	0.11	0.69
ccp90	1.9	0.7	2.1	2.2	2.4
ap90	0.21	0.11	0.25	0.11	0.52
ccv	11.1	14.3	11.9	5	21.7
pass %	84.6	76.6	84.3	87.2	80.9
bp %	50.3	49	42.4	43.6	38.9
sacc %	41.4	31.7	21.8	35	23.8
shot %	18	14.9	6	0	4.8
TTI90	13.9	12.9	13.2	9.2	19.5
avg rk	2.9	3	3.1	3.3	2.6

Gaston Ramirez who played sparsely due to falling out of favor with Pochettino and injuries comes out on top. Lallana comes second, but only barely ahead of Rodriguez & Steven Davis. If Lallana is worth £27m, Rodriguez is worth at least that much being he is 2 years younger and Steven Davis should not be sold for anything less than £20m. And what about 19-year-old James Ward-Prose? He is already a better passer and turns over the ball much less at 7 years Lallana's junior. He's got to be worth £50m to Man United and at least £30m to the rest of the Prem.

Those numbers above are not worth £27 and the argument that it is because 'he's English' just proves my point. He's a product of the English press hype machine. We paid £8.8m for Coutinho, less than one-third what we did for Lallana, the Brazilian is still only 22-years-old and already a better player.  Basically we just paid that much for someone to keep the seats warm for Gerrard, Hendo, Sterling, Can, and Coutinho.

How much will United pay for Dirk Kuyt?

After dishing out ridiculous sums for turnover prone 25-year-old, Ander Herrera, and the nemesis of Victor Moses, Luke Shaw, they are now linked to splash the cash for soon-to-be 34-year-old former 'Liverpool Legend', Dirk Kuyt. I use 'legend' in the loosest sense there, but Kuyt is much more deserving than say, Roy Hodgson.

Dirk Kuyt's evolution as a footballer is interesting to say the least.  At FC Utrecht and especially Feyenoord in the Eredivisie, he was a poacher, a goal-scoring machine.  Unfortunately, he didn't have the pace to translate his finishing skills in the Prem and had to change his approach if he wanted to survive.  So he became a more complete player, a blue collar one mind you, but good enough to earn a starting place as a supporting striker.  His determination to stay and fight for a place at Liverpool after a disappointing first season instead of returning to the Eridivise where he could have easily reverted back to his prolific poaching ways was a testament to his character.

In his first season at Liverpool, he had one assist in 34 appearances, in his second he had 8 in 32.  In his final three seasons he had a chance created per 90 of 1.79, but it was not just his ability to make important passes that improved, he became a defensive forward, if one ever existed.  From 2009-2012, he averaged 1.91 tackles per 90 and 1.56 int per 90, for perspective, during that same period, Rooney contributed 0.63 tp90 and 0.42 intp90, a massive difference.

His latest rebirth as a left wing back for the Netherlands in the World Cup apparently has spurned Van Gaal into thinking about taking him to United when the Dutch coach starts his term there.  If I can say so sans punishment, playing the heavy-footed Kuyt at that position actually is a genius move, it takes advantage of his strengths and less exposes his weaknesses.  His contributions have been solid on both ends of the pitch and the coverage he provides for Daley Blind is pricelesss, but will it translate in the Prem?

The potential big winner here is Fenerbache.  With United willing to pay double and triple a player's valuation, the Turkish club could possibly get £10m for a player they bought for £880,000.